Christmas can be a magical time, filled with excitement, anticipation and fun times spent with family and friends. But, with changes to routines, it can also be a distressing, worry filled time for some young people and their families. And particularly if they have existing worries, these can be exasperated by the festive season.  It can be a time of deep stress, comparison and disconnection. Add in your child’s mental health struggles (and maybe your own too) and you can see how the most wonderful time of the year can become an expensive, emotional burden. Poor mental health really highlights where meaning is - or isn’t - and you may feel that the only gifts you want - health, connection, understanding - simply can’t be delivered. So, as Christmas fast approaches, maybe these tips by Parenting Mental Health’s founder Suzanne Alderson will give you the support that you need to do Christmas your way.

1) Anything goes

If there’s anything good about your child’s mental health declining, it’s that your new normal means anything goes. Low key Christmas? No Christmas at all? You do you! There are no rules, so do whatever makes your home feel emotionally safe and stress-free. Whatever it is, do that! Forget ever more convoluted Elf on the Shelf setups or family PJs - how can you make your way through December in a way that serves your family best?

2) Manage everyone’s expectations 

If you have family visiting or you’re expected to visit, talk to them about your child’s needs before Christmas. No, little Johnny might not make it down for the turkey or they may stay in their room all day - and that’s ok. But Auntie Maude going on about it is enough to put everyone off their sprouts. Warn the family in advance. Use clear language and be explicit with them in your communication so everyone knows what to expect. They might not understand it, but thank them for their support in helping everyone to enjoy the day on their terms. Be open to listening to their disappointment - remember this is the season of enforced jollity and it can be hard for some of us to abstract reality from the vision of perfection we’re fed. But, you’re not responsible for other people’s emotions, only your own.

3) Manage your assumptions

Christmas might just be what your child needs to lift their spirits if only for a momentary smile but it also might feel like huge pressure on them to show you how happy you’ve made them. Pop yourself in their shoes - are they feeling the pressure to take part for you or because they want to? Ask yourself - who am I doing this for? And why? We often try and recreate Christmas past to make our child’s memories similar to or better than ours. But our family dynamic is different. Going with the flow and meeting each moment as if it's a new one can help you not make assumptions about what your child can or can't do. 

4) Build in time for you

When we’re juggling all the extra jobs Christmas seems to drop at parents’ feet, it’s easy to overlook our own needs and find ourselves face down in a bowl of trifle on Boxing Day. What do you need to feel grounded and well? Maybe it’s making sure you get outside for a quick walk or you limit the liqueurs? Or perhaps taking yourself off for some quiet time? This can model positive action to everyone in the house. 

5) Reassess what love might look like

The enormous pressure for perfection at this time of year can lead us to overlook the really important things. It isn’t the largest pile of gifts and it isn’t picture perfect Facebook posts. It’s time, care and connection - and you don’t get that only on one day. If you can’t make the kind of memories you want this year, that’s ok. There will be other times to look ahead to. But allow yourself some space to reflect on your expectations and what you might see success as at this time of year. Is it reasonable or realistic? This can help you to decide what you and your family need and to process what you might not get.

6) This Christmas isn’t the measure for all Christmases - or for your capabilities as a parent

Give yourself some space and grace and go with whatever comes knowing the only constant is change. In 2015, we saw Issy for approximately 17 minutes on Christmas Day. The fact she could come down at all was a gift in itself. The fact she was alive was our Christmas miracle. Each year since then, Christmas has become less about the day and more about the acknowledgment of another year together. And it changes each year as we all change and grow. Whatever Christmas looks like this year, it’s likely it will look different in 12 months’ time. And don’t forget - it’s just one day!

7) Ask your child what they might want to do

When you’re struggling with your mental health, enforced jollity can make you feel more alone and misunderstood. You can feel that you're a deep disappointment and you may seem ungrateful. We know that when our child is struggling, it's not a case of won't engage, it's a case of can't. So one of the greatest gifts we can give our child is to actively listen to their needs and accept what feels right for them, even if we think they'll feel better if they join in. No, it might not look picture perfect but we all know behind those social media smiles, there’s a row brewing or someone really didn't want to wear reindeer antlers and be in the photo. Don't force the fakeness. What would help your child feel safe and loved? 

8) Manage loss

The older we get, the more loss we experience. Christmas seems to magnify any form of grief or loss - from death, divorce, redundancy or the ambiguous loss we feel when our child has a mental health issue and we can’t conceive of a future for them - because it’s pitched as the time of togetherness. But it’s often not, and we can feel more isolated than ever. Be extra gentle with yourself. Ensure you have enough time to reflect and enough support to do it without feeling like the Grinch. Allow yourself to feel what you feel - it’s natural to miss someone on special days. Being grateful for the memories can help, but be kind to yourself as you process them.

9) Slow down the Christmas season

Songs may say it’s the season to be jolly, but actually it’s the season to slow down, recharge, rest and repair. In the midst of winter, our bodies need to get as much sunlight and as much rest as possible. So, get out for a bracing walk and then snuggle up in bed with a book. Not everyone is replete in sequins and partying the night away. Staying in definitely is the new going out in December.

10) Start some new traditions

Maybe you fancy taking up the Icelandic tradition of gifting a book and reading it with a steaming mug of hot chocolate on Christmas Eve or making gifts instead of buying them? Whatever suits your family. Maybe it’s a personal ritual like trying a new recipe or being grateful every day in December or going for a daily walk? How can you leave the festive season better than you started it?

11) Post Christmas Blues

Don’t be surprised if there is a crash after Christmas Day - your child might use all their energy to be present and appear happy and then need space and peace to regroup. That’s ok - the emotional energy we all use when we have to be happy on demand is exhausting. Build in plenty of down time around any activities or ‘peopling’. Doing nothing is often exactly what we need!

12) What is important to you as a family

Work out what is important to you personally and what you think you *should* do - maybe you’ve always hosted the family on Boxing Day or you worry that your child will not feel the love if you’ve not got everything on their list. Christmas is not about things. What Christmas gifts do you remember from being a child? Be disciplined about what you spend and limit it to what you can afford. You can make Christmas special with time together. 

13) Remember - you can say no

If you can’t afford it, can’t face it or don’t want to do it - no is your new festive friend! And if that feels wrong, use the ‘thank you’ technique - Thank you, but we can’t make it. Thank you for understanding that I can’t stretch to that. Thank you for being so sweet about our decision to spend Christmas alone.

14) Find people who get it

On Christmas Day, while our household and guests sleep off the festive lunch, I will be in the Parenting Mental Health Facebook community supporting other parents who may not have had the perfect Christmas Day - because poor mental health doesn't stop just because it's a holiday and because the perfect Christmas Day doesn't exist! Being around people who get that sadness you might feel when you see everyone else having a seemingly perfect family get together is salve for the soul, and not having to pretend that everything is ok or perfect or happy is a gift you can give yourself.